If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the
pet syndrome, including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish,
the story below will have you laughing out LOUD!
Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.
Here's what happened:
Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there
was "something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds
prisoner in his room.
"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious,
Dad. Can you help?"
I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed
him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying
on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.
"Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!"
"Oh, my gosh!" my wife exclaimed. "She's having babies."
"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie,
Mom!"
I was equally outraged.
"Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them
to reproduce," I said accusingly to my wife.
"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?"
she inquired (I think she actually said this sarcastically!)
"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded
her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my
teeth).
"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.
"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know,"
she informed me (Again with the sarcasm!).
By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was
going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.
"Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience," I announced.
"We're about to witness the miracle of birth."
"Oh! , gross !" they shrieked
"Well, isn't THAT just great? What are we going to do with
a litter of tiny little lizard babies?" my wife wanted to know.
We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked
like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second
later.
"We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.
"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.
"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.
"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the
foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It
disappeared. I tried several more times with the same
results.
"Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know.
"Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see
a pattern here with the females in my house?)
"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to
the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.
"Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.
"I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his mother noted to
him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean
what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her
womb, for God's sake.)
The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and
peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.
"What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested
scientifically.
"Oh, very interesting, " he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs.
Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?"
I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.
"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.
"Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This lizard is not
in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen. Ernie
is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally,
as they come into maturity, like most male species, they…
um…um…masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back."
He blushed, glancing at my wife.
We were silent, absorbing this.
"So, Ernie's just…just…excited," my wife offered.
"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.
More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle.
And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.
"What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing
that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront
to my flawless manliness.
Tears were now running down her face. "It's just that…I'm
picturing you pulling on its…its…teeny little…." She gasped
for more air to bellow in laughter once more.
"That's enough," I warned. We thanked the vet and hurriedly
bundled the lizard and our son back into the car. He was
glad everything was going to be okay.
"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you did, Dad," he
told me.
"Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.
Two lizards: $140.
One cage: $50.
Trip to the vet: $30.
Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie:
Priceless!
Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class.
Lizards lay eggs!
|
You are so Very Kind, Thank You for Everything 
