"Our occasional madness is less wonderful than our occasional sanity." George Santayana

Three guy's lined up at the Golden Gate, waiting to be let in.
Saint Peter ask the first guy "Have you ever cheated on your wife?"
The guy says "Yes I have."
Saint Peter says, then you have to spend eternity driving a V.W.

He ask the Second guy "Have you ever cheated on your wife?"
"Yes says the man, BUT ONLY ONCE!"
Saint Peter says, "OK, you get a Caddie."

The third Guy Proudly says, "I've NEVER cheated on my wife!"
Saint Peter gives him a Hummer.

A few days later Guy#2 sees Guy #3 crying on the side of the road. He stops and ask, "Why are you crying? You got a Hummer."
Guy#3 says, "Yeah, but I just saw my wife and she's on a skateboard!"

KEEP IT UNDER YOUR HAT

Late one night while moppin' floors in Joe's Red Eye Saloon
I saw this dude in a ten-gallon hat sort'a leap across the room.

That ugly, bug-eyed, creepy dude sure as hell looked mean,
And that Stetson had the tallest crown this kid had ever seen.

He hops upon a stool and then I hear with perfect diction,
"Kentucky whiskey, Barkeep. One for me and one for my affliction."

Then he took off that mangy hat and placed it on the bar
And what I saw atop his head beat anything by far:

The biggest, fattest, horney toad that I had ever seen
was grown onto his noggin, and perched there, slimy-green.

I watch this dude pick up both shots and douse one on his head,
then gulp the other as four bug-eyes turn Kentucky blood-shot red.

I could tell 'Ol Joe was dyin' with every shot he'd serve
To hear the story behind this toad -- but couldn't find the nerve

T' ask the ugly bug-eyed dude as we hear with perfect diction,
"Barkeep! Pour one for me and one more for my affliction."

That mean dude's thick lips finally turned into a smile.
And Joe the barkeep took his chance, "I been wonderin' for a while...

"Yer affliction...tell me, sir. Just how'd it come to pass?"
With perfect diction the TOAD replied, "It began as a wart on my ass."

                           

 

 

 

 

              

To You and Yours.......From Me and Mine.......

A guy walks into a bar, sits down and says to the bartender, "Quick pour me twelve drinks." So the bartender pours him twelve shots and the guy starts shooting them back as fast as he could, one after another. The bartender says to the guy, "Boy you are drinking those drinks really fast." The guys says, "Well, you would be drinking really fast too if you had what I've got." The bartender says, "What've you got?" The guy says, "75 cents."