A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary
submitted this :

Last weekend at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop I was looking for a little
something extra for my wife Toni. What I came across was a 100,000- volt
pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no
long-term adverse affect on an assailant. The idea is to allow my wife
-- who would never consider a gun, adequate time to retreat to safety . WAY
TOO COOL!!
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded in
two AAA batteries and pushed the button. Nothing!

I was --- disappointed. But then I read (yes, 'read') that if I pushed
the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get
the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs and
I'd know it was working.

Awesome!!! (Actually, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn
spot is on the face of her microwave). Okay, so I was home alone with this new
toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA
batteries, right?!! There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently
(trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking
that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood moving target.
I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and
thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give
this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some
assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat, in a pair of shorts and a tank top, with my reading
glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and
taser in the other. The directions said that a 1-second burst would shock and
disorient your assailant; a 2-second burst was supposed to cause muscle
spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a 3-second burst would purportedly
make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst
longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. So, I'm sitting
there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say,
"don't do it,"

Reasoning that a 1-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt
all that bad. I decided to give myself a 1-second burst just for the heck of
it, I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and
HOLY MOTHER OF GOD --- WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION !!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me
up in the recliner, and body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and
over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position,
with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere
to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position,
and tingling in my legs. You should know, if you ever feel compelled to
"mug" yourself with a taser, that there is no such thing as a 1-second burst
when you zap yourself.

You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a
violent thrashing about on the floor.

SON - OF - A- - - - - - - - that hurt like hell!!! A minute or so
later ( I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected
what little wits I had left, sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent
reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they up get
there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.

My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip
weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles!! I'm offering a
significant reward for their safe return.

Still in shock,

Earl

May This Be the HAPPIEST "VD" You've Ever Had!!

[EMOTICON:ROFL1]]

 

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bio

The most dynamic female soul singer in the history of the music, Tina Turner oozed sexuality from every pore in a performing career that began the moment she stepped onstage as lead singer of the Ike & Tina Turner Revue in the late '50s. Her gritty and growling performances beat down doors everywhere, looking back to the double-barreled attack of gospel fervor and sexual abandon that had originally formed soul in the early '50s. Divorced from Ike in the mid-'70s, she recorded only occasionally later in the decade but resurfaced in the mid-'80s with a series of hit singles and movie appearances; her high-profile status was assured well into the '90s. Born Annie Mae Bullock near Brownsville, TN, she began singing as a teen, and joined Ike Turner's touring show as an 18-year-old backup vocalist. Just two years later, Tina was the star of the show, the attention-grabbing focal point for an incredibly smooth-running soul revue headed by Ike and his Kings of Rhythm. The couple began hitting the charts in 1960 with "A Fool in Love," and notched charting singles throughout the '60s, though the disappointing position of "River Deep-Mountain High" -- cited by Phil Spector as one of his best productions -- was very hard to take. All expectations were filled in 1971 with "Proud Mary," a number four hit which became the capstone of Ike & Tina's Revue. Frustrated by Ike's increasingly irrational behavior, though, Tina walked out just three years later. She celebrated her new-found freedom in 1975 with a role in the film version of The Who's Tommy. Playing the Acid Queen, she delivered an outrageous, all-too-brief performance in an otherwise forgettable mistake of a movie. Several albums were recorded for United Artists during the late '70s, but she appeared to be washed up by the turn of the decade. Surprisingly, Tina returned in 1983, first teaming with a Heaven 17 project named BEF on a remake of the Temptations' "Ball of Confusion." Tina's vocal offering was understandably apocalyptic, and she gained a solo deal with Capitol that same year. Her first single, a cover of Al Green's "Let's Stay Together," hit the Top 30 early in 1984. Second single "What's Love Got to Do With It" became one of the year's biggest hits, spending three weeks at number one. Her album Private Dancer included two more Top Ten singles, the title track and "Better Be Good to Me." With another movie role in 1985 (Mad Max: Beyond Thunderdome), she found a number two hit with its theme, "We Don't Need Another Hero." Her next big hit followed in 1986 ("Typical Male"), after which Tina began to decline, still charting occasionally and selling respectably with albums including 1989's Foreign Affair, 1996's Wildest Dreams, and 2000's Twenty Four Seven. ~ John Bush, All Music Guide

Birth

26 November 1939
(age 68)

Birthplace

Nutbush, Tennessee

Extra credit: Ike and Tina Turner were inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame in 1991. The Hall calls them "one of the highest energy ensembles on the soul circuit in the late '60s and early '70s"... Ike Turner died in 2007... "We Don't Need Another Hero," Tina's 1985 theme to Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome, was also a popular hit... She was played by Angela Bassett in the 1993 biopic What's Love Got To Do With It; Laurence Fishburne played Ike.