KEEP IT UNDER YOUR HAT
Late one night while moppin' floors in Joe's Red Eye Saloon
I saw this dude in a ten-gallon hat sort'a leap across the room.
That ugly, bug-eyed, creepy dude sure as hell looked mean,
And that Stetson had the tallest crown this kid had ever seen.
He hops upon a stool and then I hear with perfect diction,
"Kentucky whiskey, Barkeep. One for me and one for my affliction."
Then he took off that mangy hat and placed it on the bar
And what I saw atop his head beat anything by far:
The biggest, fattest, horney toad that I had ever seen
was grown onto his noggin, and perched there, slimy-green.
I watch this dude pick up both shots and douse one on his head,
then gulp the other as four bug-eyes turn Kentucky blood-shot red.
I could tell 'Ol Joe was dyin' with every shot he'd serve
To hear the story behind this toad -- but couldn't find the nerve
T' ask the ugly bug-eyed dude as we hear with perfect diction,
"Barkeep! Pour one for me and one more for my affliction."
That mean dude's thick lips finally turned into a smile.
And Joe the barkeep took his chance, "I been wonderin' for a while...
"Yer affliction...tell me, sir. Just how'd it come to pass?"
With perfect diction the TOAD replied, "It began as a wart on my ass."
